#1 "Nevertheless not my will, but Thine be done" Sister Johnson’s Farewell Talk

A friend once told me that I have an interesting relationship with God. When asked why, he said that he saw God as an all-powerful being and that there was some barrier between him and the heavens but that I saw God as a best friend. We share secrets, we stay up late talking about everything (even boys), and we have inside jokes. One joke God recently played on me was my mission call. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Mia Johnson and I am the girl who has studied French since the 3rd grade as I spent 12 years of my childhood living in the heart of Tokyo, Japan. I could have studied Japanese like the rest of my sisters, but I figured that it would be cool to grow up in Japan, learn no Japanese at all and study French instead. I have stuck to French for 9 years. I have always been top of my class, and studied as hard as I could when I wasn’t. I passed the AP test two years ago with a 4, and boasted of my accomplishments on my mission papers. But as I told you before, my God is a funny God, and I have been called to Nagoya, Japan…Japanese speaking. At first I couldn’t even breathe. I sat there with my call on my lap, reading “Nagoya, Japan” over and over and over again, thinking there must have been some mistake. My family surrounding me waiting excitedly to hear where I would spend the next two years of my life and I didn’t even know what to say! I read aloud the call and sort of played up the minimal excitement I was feeling. Since then, the ever-so constant theme in my life of “nevertheless, not my will but Thine be done” has taught me that this call was exactly what I needed (Luke 22:42). Not only is it close to home and familiar to me, but it also is the exact same mission that my dad served when he was called as a missionary. My excitement continues to increase, as I reread the mission call and its direction to bring others unto Christ.



When I tell friends that I’m taking a gap year before college, I get the same look – the look of “ooooh, she’s one of those people who didn’t get into college”. This look is soon accompanied by another when I tell them that I will be serving as a missionary – the look of“ooooh, she’s one of those people who thinks they need to baptize everyone”. What a pleasure it is to tell them that is not true. I love telling them that I in fact did get into college, but I love even more telling them that the number of baptisms is not the purpose of the missionary. We are called of God to simply bring others unto Christ.



I used to believe that coming unto Christ was a huge event in one’s life, that there would be one hour in everyone’s life when they encountered a mighty change of heart and then proceeded the next hour as a new person entirely. I remembered studying in the 7th grade the life of Martin Luther, the leader of the Protestant Reformation. Martin Luther was a student of the law before he suffered a mighty change of heart and decided to become a monk. On 2 July 1505, he was returning to university on horseback after a trip home. During a thunderstorm, a lightning bolt struck near him. He was terrified of death and divine judgment, he cried out. He came to view his cry for help as a vow he could never break. He left law school, sold his books, and entered a closed friary on 17 July 1505.



I used to believe that God would strike me, just as he nearly did to Martin, with a bolt of lightning. I believed that there would be a split second where He would display in an obvious miraculous sign that He was there. This is where the theme of “nevertheless, not my will but Thine be done” begins to repeat itself.



At an EFY session, I had a counselor who promised me that if we prayed to God with an answer we already knew, we would begin to recognize the Holy Ghost. I loved the idea behind this promise – if you ask God a question you know the answer to, you’ll feel the answer and know that the feeling you have must be the Holy Ghost! It was as if I had found the bolt of lightning in the sky and I knew when and where it would strike. I got up immediately and went around the corner to pray. I asked God, “God, do you love me?” As a graduated sunbeam I knew that God loved me, and I knew that if He was there and He was listening, He would answer yes. I waited and listened to the sounds of the BYU campus for a total of 7 seconds before I began to speak again, “God, do you. Love. Me?”. This time I waited 4 seconds, “God, if you love me, tell me now! Let me know that you love me!”. 2 seconds, “Please, please, please just tell me you love me!”. Feeling much like a little child who was supposed to be picked up but was left to wait on the curb by a forgetful parent, I rejoined my company much dismayed. I then was determined to force God to answer me, I decided I would fast until He would answer me. I lasted a total of 14 hours before the smell of food overcame me and I broke. As I shoveled the heavenly-smelling cafeteria food into my mouth, I said a quick prayer in a single thought of “okay, You win this time. I won’t fast anymore, but I still want an answer!”, in other words, “nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done”. It was not until later that evening during the musical program that I felt filled head-to-toe with pure love and I felt in my heart that He really is there.



About a year later when I moved to Connecticut, I really struggled in school. I was alone all the time and began to feel very depressed. I found little happiness in my life and prayed for God to fix my life in one single strike of lightning. I prayed that He would change others around me, telling Him that I knew that would make me happy. I waited 7 seconds, but my mom was still asking me to come down for dinner. I waited 4 seconds, but I didn’t receive a single text message. I waited 2 seconds, “God you have to change them. I won’t be happy until you do”. It wasn’t until about 5 months after I had said that prayer that He finally did answer me, “nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done”. I heard the Holy Spirit’s whisper that I would find happiness in the scriptures.



It was then that I found Matthew 16:25, a scripture that has since become my favorite, “for whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it". As I read this scripture, I could hear the Holy Ghost translate to me that if I forgot all of my demands for God and instead focused myself on the gospel of Christ I would find the happiness I was looking for. I forgot the changes I wanted others to make, and decided to serve them instead. I painfully learned that I cannot change others around me, but I need to be the change I want to see.



This pattern of looking for the X to mark the spot when and where the lightning will strike and of the lesson that soon follows -“nevertheless not my will, but Thine be done” – began to repeat as I gained a testimony of Christ’s atonement, Joseph Smith, and President Monson. It has become another one of our inside jokes, that I will always think I can trap Him into sending me flashing-neon signs and that He will never answer my prayers the way I expect Him to. I must even admit that we still continue in this pattern.



Just two summers ago, as I attended the first half of the Book of Mormon class offered at BYU I realized I do not have my own testimony of the Book of Mormon. I had never read it cover to cover. I have read 1 Nephi more times than I can count on my two hands, but I had never read Moroni. I committed myself to read the Book of Mormon, to follow along in the class and even when the class finished in Alma, to continue on until I had read every word with my own eyes. I told my mom after this experience that I had never read the Book of Mormon with such clarity as I did then. I had always read the book as something to do, my ten pages to read for the day. But now I experienced a new book. As I read without counting the pages, without setting little goals, as I read simply because I felt like reading I could follow along with the complicated plots and timelines that I used to struggle with. I could understand the language like never before, and I became engrossed with this book, as if it was just another one of the novels that I keep on my bookshelf. As I neared the end of the Book of Mormon, my family packed up the car and headed into the mountains for a camping trip. The mountains, I thought, this must be where the X will be. What other place is closer to God than being surrounded by the nature He created? I read the final chapters of the book, and when I had gotten to the last couple of pages, I picked up my Book of Mormon and hiked up the mountain to a place where I could see the campsite below me, but I still felt like I was completely alone. Remembering how God and Christ had visited Joseph Smith when he went off and prayed by himself, expectation got the better of me. As I read the final words of Moroni and his promise that “if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you by the power of the Holy Ghost", I looked up to the sky and asked God to fill me with the Spirit and to tell me that these things are true (Moroni 10:32). I waited 7 seconds before I closed my eyes and bowed my head and asked “Please God, I want to know if these things are true. Please tell me if they are true”. I waited 4 seconds, “God, you have to tell me that this book is true! Moroni promised it!". I waited 2 seconds, but before I prayed again I remembered my past experiences and the lesson I was certain would follow. Still determined, I shook my head at the thought and began to sing some hymns to myself, thinking I could drag the Holy Ghost out from under the rock he was hiding under and force him to come if I sang hymns. After the first two hymns, the image of Alma and the seed he taught of came to my mind. I shook my head, thinking that I was distracting myself so I sang another hymn. Halfway through a verse, the image came to my mind again. Once more I shook the idea out of my head and told God I was waiting for a definite answer. It wasn’t until the third time this thought came to my head that I realized it was the answer, “nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done”. I flipped through the book until I came to Alma 32:28:



"Now we will compare the word unto a seed. Now if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves - it must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me"



I realized once more that the lightning wasn’t going to strike me. I was waiting for God to tell me that the Book of Mormon was true, but I wasn’t accepting the answer He was giving me. I read the verse again and realized the seed had already been planted. It was planted when I was baptized into this church. I realized the teachings I had been taught from when I was 8 had only brought me good, and it was when I had ignored them that I lost sight of true happiness. I saw the good that came from this church and realized that all it teaches come from the teachings of Christ. The church claimed to be the church of Christ and they taught his teachings – what else was I looking for? I realized the church must be true. The very second I came to that decision, the fog of frustration and disappointment lifted and I heard in my heart that I was on the right track, all I had to do was see the evidence that had been surrounding me this whole time. As I hopped off the rock, I heard a voice tell me to go to my family and love them, to put all my heart, might, mind and strength into this church and little by little, line upon line and precept on precept, I would come to know I had made the right decision (Isaiah 28:10).

It has been two years since I made that decision and I don’t have a single regret. Although it’s only been such a short time, I know from what I’ve felt since that moment that I will never regret this choice. I have felt pure happiness in coming unto Christ.



So when I thought about what it is missionaries do, how could I not want to do the same? I do not seek to baptize every person I will shake hands with – I wish to share this joy that I’ve found. There is nothing like it, this happiness, and just as Lehi ate of the fruit of the tree of life and was desirous to share it with others, I am desirous to share this happiness with anyone who wants it.



Ever since I was a little girl the words of Alma have stuck with me, "this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God" (Alma 29:8). I have wanted so much to be an instrument for the Lord, to be a reliable servant. At the same time, I wanted to be accepted by my peers. As you can probably guess these two goals do not exactly work together, and I have had to learn that while it is good to be accepted by my peers, it is better to be a servant of the Lord.



Although I try to not let it show, I am an introvert. I used to think I could never be a missionary, because I never had the courage to tell someone what I believed in. I remember once hearing President Utchdorf in general conference quote St. Francis, "Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary, use words". I think you can imagine my joy when I learned that I could be a missionary without having to open my mouth. I began to take the following poem to heart;



Dare to be a Mormon,

Dare to stand alone,

Dare to have a purpose,

Dare to make it known.



In the way that I live I tell others who I am and what I believe. I keep my standards high, and even when I fail I get up and I try again. In my thoughts and words, I aim to mirror Christ and to love others.



Since this realization, I have had numerous experiences where friends ask why I do the things I do or why I act the way I act. At first when these questions would arise, I would become scared of their rejection and ridicule so I did not speak up. But, with practice and continuing to live as a Mormon girl should, I have become better and better at sharing little testimonies with others. I have become so comfortable, in fact, that the friend I mentioned before knows that all he needs to do is start me off on a topic and I will talk for at least an hour. He even once called me a “prophet”! I quickly assured him that I am no prophet just a daughter of God, but his words that he mentioned so casually warmed my heart. I realized then and there as we sat talking that I finally reached my goal. It has taken me over ten years to become a worthy instrument in the Lord’s hands.



I no longer am scared to share what I know to be true. I know that all I need to do, is to listen to the Spirit, open my mouth, and like Aaron, He will put words in my mouth and He will tell me what to say.



I know that God wants me to serve a mission, and despite my mom’s pleas, He wants me to serve it now. I know that even though it’s not France or Africa or any other place I wanted to go, it is the place I need to be. As we sang the closing hymn in sacrament meeting a couple weeks ago, the words rang true in my mind;



I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,

Over mountain or plain or sea;

I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;

I'll be what you want me to be.

(Hymn No. 270)



I’ll go to Nagoya, Japan, dear Lord,

Though two very long flights guaranteed.

I’ll say what you tell me to say, dear Lord,

I’ll be the missionary you want me to be.



I promise to all of you that when we learn to accept that it is when we stop looking for when and where the lightning will strike and realize that it is not our will, but His be done, we find true happiness.



I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.